Jellicle Reviews for Jellicle Cats
Cats is a stunning work of art. That isn’t a grammatically flawed sentence (at least it’s not intended to be, grammar police); I’m talking about Cats the musical. The Broadway musical goes back to the 80’s, where flashy, weird stuff was the norm. It was the biggest musical in the world for a while and it frankly deserves it- most of the songs are fire. The movie, on the other hand, is an absolute train wreck. Everyone at this point has a review of Cats and I don’t think a single person liked this movie. But my relationship with Cats goes back long ago.
I don’t remember the vhs, but I had one that had the preview for the Cats stage recording. It was strange and I was always kind of interested, but it wasn’t really a movie I could find just on the main shelf at Hollywood Video (I didn’t venture into those middle shelves until I was much older), so it was always relegated to one of those movies I always wanted to see but always overlooked when it was actually movie picking time. But ever since then, any talk of Cats always got me a little excited.
So what am I reviewing, the movie or the Broadway recording? Well, neither. I’m reviewing the cats themselves. Using an aggregate of the film and Broadway version of their song, I’m going to rate each cat on ownability. Starting with the worst, most mischievous little cat and ending with the best. Speaking of mischievous….
Rumpleteazer/ Mungojerrie
These cats suck. They break things. They steal things. Their songs are hot garbage. No one wants a cat that breaks things, and I’m not even sure that was even their house. They have collars (at least in the movie), so they belong to some poor sour, but it won’t be me!
Victoria
This curious cat will make her rounds around the neighborhood and keep you up fraught with worry. She’s also just kind of dull. She does throw down a nice dance here or there but who gets a cat for their dancing ability? While she gets a few points for being the cat in the Broadway play to (spoilers:) touch Grizabella’s hand and bring her into the Jellicles, she loses my praise because she has the movies one original song. A song that is literally saying “yo, Grizzy, your life is not that bad, mine is totes worse.” Nobody likes a bragger, especially if that bragger is your cat.
Growltiger
Who’s Growltiger you say? In the play, Gus has a boring song about him acting on stage while in the movie, he’s a simple lackey for Macavity. Both are pretty meh, except in the movie he is played by the wonderful Ray Winstone. At least in the later stage versions he looks kinda like a pirate and who doesn’t like a cat you can dress up.
Bombalurina
Ah, the T swizzle cat. She doesn’t even get her own song but sings a laid back jam about Macavity. She has more presence in the play than the movie. In the movie she tries to chemically inhibit the Jellicles so that Macavity can get swoops on the Heaviside Layer, which is not the making of a good cat. Without a song, my hands are tied and I can’t properly rank her, but since she shows up just to announce the villain in the movie (in the play it’s more of a clarification of who he is and she’s actually one of the main cats), I feel like she fits right below said villain on this list.
Macavity
The ginger cat who’s not even ginger. If you’re going to have Idris Elba play a panther-esque looking cat, at least change the line in the song. He of course loses points for being, you know, evil. No one wants a cat that tortures and captures other cats (in the movie he nabs more than just Old Deuteronomy). Also, he knows some sort of teleportation magic? If I’m dropping timber with the door closed, the last thing I want is a cat that can pop in unannounced. On the other hand though, I have to commend him on his determination. Most cats just sing their song and that’s it- Macavity reached out and grabbed it (it being Old Deut). And he would have succeeded if it wasn’t for that much higher ranking magical cat…
Gus, the Theater Cat
Gus is really hard to put on this list. Personality wise, he seems like a great cat, plus his full name is “Asparagus” which is pretty darn cool. In his heyday, he was the top cat, but has wavered in his older years. His song isn’t terribly good (It sounds beautiful but just lags on and Ian Mckellen kind of just speaks it in the movie) and it kind of talks down to the modern cats, so hence the mid ranking of this otherwise well-lived, wise, old cat.
Grizabella, the Glamour Cat
It’s almost heartbreaking to put Grizabella this low on this list. She is the most iconic cat in this play. Most people know Memory as the headlining song from this whole show. Unfortunately she is a dumpy old cat who is literally begging to die. She wants to be accepted by her cat peers, but translating to real life, this cat is the one you hear all night crying for something. She used to be a big deal (read: glamour cat) and had a fall from grace. Her namesake song that describes her takes me back to those sad animal sponsoring commercials (thanks Sarah McLachlan). Yea, she had a hard life and you are a saint if you adopt a cat like this, but ownability wise, she might be a handful.
Old Deuteronomy
This is like the cat that people bring up when they say the names in Cats are silly. While all versions of their (male in the play, female in the movie) song are absolute bops. Ken Page runs circles around Judi Dench in this role, with his deep thunderous voice rattling my eardrums with each listen. Unfortunately, I’m looking at song content too, and the definining personality trait for OD is simply that they’ve been around a long ol’ time. They get one spot down from where I’d otherwise put them, since their Broadway recording has a glass breaking sound at the start that always catches me off guard.
Jennyanydots and Bustopher Jones
These both have top tier songs in the stage version, but the movie absolutely slaughters these too. Sure James Corden and Rebel Wilson are disliked in some circles, but for me it has nothing to do with that and more so that their songs just aren’t as technically good as the original version. Both are plagued by the usual stop and go problem I have with like the disney live action remakes, where the song stops for either a joke or a dance number and totally loses momentum. You know that part at the end of the Josh Gad version of “Gaston” when he ruins the joke about being illiterate by explaining it? That’s what the movie did to these two. However, the original versions of these are such iconic slaps that everything I just said, it’s fairly moot. These are lazy, hungry cats who keep themselves plenty busy- so exactly why you get a cat.
Mr. Mistoffelees
This one is hard, because he seems like a mischievous cat, not much different from the thieving annoyances much lower on the list. But this song is the climax! This cat is the hero! He saves the whole day. This is the kind of cat that is a bit of a brat but has your back. He may disappear or hide things, but in the end, he comes in clutch. He’s the cat that gets the bird your kid let in the house (or just brings in a bird from outside, he could be that cat too). I mean, the more I listen to the song, the more I kind of realize he sounds like a little turd, but his song is such an earworm that you almost forget that. Plus he sounds small and adorable, which is more than enough to offset any negatives.
The Rum Tum Tugger
I think he has personally my favorite song from the whole musical. Which is a shame, because some versions just aren’t as good. The recorded Broadway video version is just a touch too slow and the Jason Derulo movie version kind of wastes his talents. Listening to any of his other songs, you would think that this was made for Derulo, but he is just hidden behind the music and doesn’t bring a terrible amount of energy. That being said, its still not an awful version, just lacking. But you’re not here for musical discourse, you want to know if you can handle a Tum Tugger of your own. In this musical prequel to Katy Perry’s Hot and Cold, our boy Rum Tum wants it both ways. This is kind of an off-putting description for a cat, but isn’t that also just human nature? A true grass-is-greener situation. I respect that, plus isn’t that just normal for a cat?
Skimbleshanks, the Railway Cat
This cat, unlike all of the other freeloading cats, has a job. He sounds pretty darn good at it too. What is better on a long train ride than a little kitty sidekick who keeps mice at bay and can remind your forgetful self about job duties. He even has clothes!!! Pets that let you dress them are the winners. In the movie, he has some striking trousers and in the play he wears a vest, so if you combine those, you practically have a whole outfit! Both versions of his song are absolute masterpieces. He is like the single character in the movie that actually adds anything to his song with the tap number. I’m not saying its a better version, but its the only movie version that actually is worth listening to. I would adopt a Skimbleshanks right now if I could. Everyone needs a cat as honorable as he.
Honorable Mentions- Munkustrap and Jemima
This cat is the tour guide of our cat adventure. A custodian of the dusty records of cats if you will. He takes us by the paw and leads us through this whole cat filled escapade. He pulls back the curtain to show us the cat world’s true colors. He should be honored. Jemima is one of the movie’s biggest missteps. She sings a part of memory and also has her own version called “Daylight.” Of course neither of these songs are actually about her, so I have absolutely no say in how she would be around the house. Maybe she would just be that cat that gets along with others.
The Final Verdict
So there you have it. You want a Skimbleshanks. You might not want to name him that, since it sounds mildly threatening though. He is loyal and will let you dress him up. He sounds like a good little buddy to have. But really, I’d take any cat that’s not ranked like Macavity or lower. Also, if you haven’t watched Cats, give it a try. Its like $3 on Youtube. If you hate yourself, you can watch the new on on HBO Max. These songs won’t leave your mind and these cats won’t leave your heart.
Goose Reviews Everything 